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The Disaster That Is UCLA Football and What the Folks at UCLA Should Do Right Now Now – Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm and the Wacko Liberal Nuts on the Westside of Los Angeles

The Disaster That Is UCLA Football and What the Folks at UCLA Should Do Right Now

Rick Neuheisel is right….

UCLA needs changes, Peter Yoon, ESPN Los Angeles

….but those needed changes had nothing to do with Rick Neuheisel’s inability to field a winning team at UCLA.

The changes that Rick Neuheisel is talking about…

“In an interview with Colin Cowherd on ESPN Radio, Neuheisel likened the UCLA coaching job to “taking a knife to a gunfight” when it comes to trying to compete with elite-level programs such as cross-town rival USC.

“I think every program across the country has to make a determination as to what their expectation level is and then finance that expectation level, and in some places those numbers don’t jibe,” Neuheisel said.

Athletic director Dan Guerrero said Monday that UCLA is “in a different league” financially for hiring its next coach. Neuheisel made $1.25 million a year and UCLA is expected to go beyond $3 million a year for Neuheisel’s successor.

Guerrero also said that upgrades to UCLA’s practice facility, where currently there is no 100-yard field, are in the works.

Said Neuheisel: “You want to make sure you are getting the same things that those teams where the expectation level lies are getting so that you can compete at that level.”

….would make the difference between a Winning and Championship football program BUT Rick Neuheisel put up a record of….

Overall: 21 – 28 (.429)
Pac-10/12: 13 – 23 (.361)

…after taking over a UCLA football program under the preceding head coach Karl Dorrell put up a record of…

Overall: 35 – 27 (.565)
Pac-10: 24 – 18 (.571)

…which means that Rick Neuheisel took the UCLA football program BACKWARDS by any measure we can think of unless you are a racist and you are going to judge the white coach (Rick Neuheisel) on an easier scale than the black coach (Karl Dorrell).

It’s time for Rick Neuheisel to end his media tour Pity Party and just admit that he didn’t get it done at UCLA and actually took the program BACKWARDS from the Dorrell and Bob Toledo eras.

Now after 4 years of Rick Neuheisel and 5 years of Karl Dorrell the problem at UCLA is bigger than the last two head football coaches of the Bruins.

The problem at UCLA is who is hiring the football coaches which would be UCLA AD Dan Guerrero.

1.  When Karl Dorrell was hired in December 2002 he was the wide receivers coach with the Denver Broncos and had never been a head coach before.

2.  When Rick Neuheisel was hiring December 2007 he was the QB coach for the Baltimore Ravens and had been run out of Washington for a lot of reasons with the best one in our minds being that Neuheisel was a Pompous Arrogant Ass when he was the head coach at Colorado and Washington and REALLY did believe he was God’s gift to Planet Earth. (We will say that the Rick Neuheisel that coached at UCLA the last 4 years was much humbler man…more of a human being and acted perfectly every time we were around him at UCLA.…but a worse coach which say something but we are not quite sure what since we can name dozens of big time winning college coaches that were decent human beings during their entire lives…like former UCLA head coach Terry Donahue).

Getting back to the REAL problem at UCLA which is not facilities or even lack of money….although better facilities and more money would be great….the REAL problem at UCLA is Dan Guerrero who he is hiring as head football coaches of the UCLA Bruins.

A couple of Coaches Hot Seat members happened to be in Santa Monica living and working with their families when Bob Toledo was fired and Karl Dorrell was hired in December 2002 and they both vividly remember UCLA’s decision to hire Karl Dorrell which they believed at the time (from reading the LA Times on the hiring of Dorrell) came down to an impressive interview by Dorrell with Guerrero and the chancellor at UCLA where Dorrell showed up for the interview in a brand new suit…which evidently did the trick for the UCLA chancellor. Yes, can’t you just see the UCLA chancellor thinking to himself: “Hey, a football coach that owns a suit! I love it! Hire him!”

Sorry, but Karl Dorrell was NOT QUALIFED to be the head football coach at UCLA in 2002 and 5 years later that terrible hire by Dan Guerrero of Karl Dorrell led to a column by Bill Plaschke in the Los Angeles Times at the end of Dorrell’s 5 th season in Westwood:

Progress was rarely seen in Dorrell era, much like the coach, Los Angeles Times

“His offense ran off the field for the last time, their soiled and bandaged jerseys passing his spotless and pressed jacket.

They didn’t look at him. He didn’t look at them.

Moments later, he was jogged off the Coliseum field followed by five policemen who proved entirely unnecessary.

The large UCLA cheering section did not acknowledge him. He did not acknowledge them.

Five years ago, on a chilly day in Colorado, the Karl Dorrell era at UCLA began with the new coach disappearing under the moment, leading me to write that the Bruins had gone from “Holy Toledo to Holy Ghost.”

Fittingly, this is also how the era probably ended Saturday at the Coliseum, on a day holding that same chill.

Such a good, decent man.

Such an invisible head coach.

The Bruins were wiped out by USC, 24-7, in a game featuring four turnovers, 10 penalties and peculiar play calling.”

Hell, Plaschke could have changed Dorrell’s name to Neuheisel and the score of the UCLA – USC game and just submitted the same column to his editors this past Sunday!

After the hiring of Karl Dorrell in 2002 Dan Guerrero then hired Rick Neuheisel in December 2007 which led us here at Coaches Hot Seat Blog to write:

UCLA fired Dorrell to hire who? Say it isn’t so Dan Guerrero…., CHS Blog, December 30, 2007

Now Dan Guerrero is on his 3 rd head coaching search in the last decade and is there anyone out there that thinks Guerrero can land the right coach this time around?

Only someone in Dan Guerrero’s family or a complete Moron could answer “YES” to that question!

Now we read in the Los Angeles Times that UCLA is targeting Boise State’s Chris Petersen as their next head….

UCLA targets Boise State’s Chris Petersen to be next football coach, Los Angeles Times

….who Dan Guerrero tried to get on the phone in 2007 before he hired Neuheisel and we remember Petersen saying something like (paraphrased):

“I don’t want anything to do with that mess down there.”

And Petersen turned down a $3 Million Dollar a year offer from Stanford last year after Jim Harbaugh jumped to the 49ers.

If Chris Petersen will not take the Stanford job for $3 million a year would he really take the UCLA job for the same amount of money? Hell, if there is a more expensive place than Palo Alto it would be the westside of Los Angeles and we don’t know if $3 million a year wouldn’t be a downgrade in the standard of living for Petersen and his family from $1.5 million that Petersen is now making at Boise State.

The westside of Los Angeles is at least twice as expensive as Boise, Idaho and don’t forget the “for my trouble fee” that Petersen should ask for all of the Wacko Liberal Nuts in Westwood, Santa Monica, Brentwood, Pacific Palisades, Venice Beach, etc. that he will have to deal with on a regular basis as best exemplified by typical westside of LA resident Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm!  (Although we always have a GREAT time making fun of those Wacko Liberal Nuts on the westside of Los Angeles when we are in La-La Land!  Yes, those folks are NUTS!)

If we were Chris Petersen would we take the UCLA head coaching job?

Well, we cannot honestly answer that question since we know the lay of the land very well in Los Angeles and know exactly where we would live (Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades within 10 blocks of the Pacific Ocean which has great weather, pretty good public and very good private schools and the traffic is not that bad if you are on the westside of the 405 most of the time) so we would take the UCLA head coaching job just because Bruins football plays on a very big stage, it is easy to recruit big-time talent to UCLA and the school itself is a great educational institution.

If Chris Petersen called us tonight and asked us if he should take the UCLA job we would say:

If you are interested in taking the UCLA job then UCLA needs to come up with the amount of money for you and your assistants that make it worthwhile for you to take the Bruins job.

What would that be?

To take the UCLA job we would want:

$4 Million Dollars per year with a 7 year contract

$100K raises each year of the 7 year contract

$1 Million Dollar bonus for completing 3 years

$2 Million Dollar bonus for complete all 7 years (plus another bonus detailed below)

Standard benefits that all big-time coaches get (see Urban Meyer’s latest contract)

$3 Million Dollar buyout if fired before the end of the contract

Help from UCLA in buying a house in Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades so the head coach would not be too far from the UCLA campus

A nice home in Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades costs between:

$2.5 and $4.0 Million Dollars

See these two homes as examples:

Pacific Palisades Home, $2.45 Million Dollars


Santa Monica Home, $3.95 Million Dollars

A $3 Million Dollar home with 20 percent down-payment creates a $2.4 Million Dollar mortgage amount and a monthly mortgage payment of $11,300 per month including taxes and insurance so UCLA should give Petersen a $600K loan or whatever is the 20 percent down payment needed to live in a nice house which would turn into a bonus if Petersen completed his 7 year contract.

$3 Million Dollars for assistant coaches

A commitment from the UCLA administration to raise $100 Million Dollars for UCLA football and a new UCLA football building and practice fields.

(On that $100 Million Dollars that UCLA should have already raised for UCLA football within 5 miles of the UCLA campus sits people that have a collective net worth in the Tens of Billions of Dollars and it is disgrace that more money has not been raised from both UCLA alums and non-UCLA people that love going to UCLA athletic events BUT never get asked to give one Dime from anyone at UCLA)

What if Chris Petersen will not bite on the offer that UCLA gives to him or even what Coaches Hot Seat believes that CHS should offer to him?

We would then hire either Kevin Sumlin (Houston), Mike Leach (ex-Texas Tech), Troy Calhoun (Air Force), Gary Patterson (TCU) or even a wildcard choice that might have a hankering for some new scenery, some warmer weather to live in and a big stage to coach on which is Los Angeles…

Bob Stoops at Oklahoma

Would Bob Stoops consider taking the UCLA head coaching job?

Well, we do know that when the Pac-12 was talking about combining with 4 schools from the Big 12 which would have included Oklahoma that Bob Stoops was very excited about the Sooners playing some new teams at some new venues on the West Coast and maybe Bob might consider moving out to Hollywood even with that new and BIG house that Bob Stoops is building outside Norman, Oklahoma.

Hell, it looks like to us that Bob Stoops needs a new challenge in life and rebuilding UCLA football would be a GREAT and FUN challenge for the man from Youngstown, Ohio.

There is only one way to find out…..Give Bob Stoops a call.

Now we would love to see the look on Lane Kiffin and Pat Haden’s faces in the athletics building at USC when they first heard that Bob Stoops just took the UCLA job! Oh, that would be priceless!

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