In the Age of Candy Asses We Have A NEW Candy Ass of the Week…No, Not the Bogus and Un-American BCS…BUT…Detroit Lions Head Football Coach Jim Schwartz! – Please, Someone Give Some Help To Poor Little Jimmy Schwartz Who Got His Precious Feelings Hurt After His Team Got Its Ass Beat! – Post Week 7 Coaches Hot Seat Ranking….The Four Olive Martini Edition
In the week that the Candy Ass and Un-American BCS “poll” got released we thought the Candy Ass BCS would be impossible to top but here comes Detroit Lions head football coach Jim Schwartz to the rescue to claim the…
Candy Ass of the Week Award!
Poor little Jimmy Schwartz’s Detroit Lions football team gets beat and Jim Harbaugh shakes his hand “hard”…meaning like a Man is supposed to shake your hand….and then Harbaugh pats Poor little Jimmy Schwartz hard on the back and Candy Ass Schwartz gets all mad.
Please…Send in the Damn Clowns….Candy Ass Clowns in fact!
What Jim Schwartz (and former Pittsburgh head coach Bill Cowher who was popping off about Harbaugh on CBS later in the day) needs is a reality check because Schwartz (and Cowher) have spent their whole life playing and coaching football and here we have them talking about “NFL protocol” when we bet if we dropped their precious little asses into Afghanistan both men would being singing a different tune about BS “NFL protocol” (and crying for their Mommas) because “NFL protocol” is nothing but everyone in the NFL doing things the same way which in case Schwartz (and Cowher) haven’t noticed is not the way Jim Harbaugh is going to do things just like it was not the way Bill Walsh did things in San Francisco 30 plus years ago when he took over the Niners.
Memo to Candy Ass and Piss Ant Jim Schwartz (and his Candy Ass excuse maker Bill Cowher as well): YOUR team just got its’ ass beat!
Shut-up and go to the locker room and someone tell Bill “I have one a $500 Dollar suit so I can talk about NFL protocol” Cowher that he can stuff his “NFL protocol” where the Sun doesn’t shine!
Meanwhile back in Bogus and Un-American BCS Land we once again having the supporters and defenders of the Candy Ass BCS violating the principles of the American Republic which is best summed up by…
Candy Asses Debate
REAL Americans decide sports championships on the Field of Play.
Those Idiots that are claiming the LSU – Alabama and Oklahoma – Oklahoma State games are somehow “national semi-finals” need to understand those are games that will help settle conference championships, the SEC and Big 12, and in the REAL World with REAL Americans it is a postseason tournament that is used to determine the REAL Champion on the Field of Play….but then we all know what Candy Asses that would have never had the guts to get on a boat like this will do….
They will debate BS and think are an American…
When they are nothing more than Candy Ass and Sorry Excuses for American citizens.
More on the Bogus and Un-American BCS tomorrow when the Post Week 7 Coaches Hot Seat Power Playoff Poll and 16-Team Postseason Tournament Round 1 Games are released…in other words…
How REAL Americans settle sports championships….
…and as Candy Asses continue to debate you should Thank God that these Candy Asses debating the Bogus and Un-American BCS were not the majority of men in 1941 or there would be NO America for us to live in today.
Tell them the TRUTH Johnny….
Thank you Mr. Cash!
1. Neil Callaway, UAB – After the loss to Tulsa and their first-year head coach the mighty UAB Blazers led by Neil Callaway in his fifth year on the job are 0 – 6 on the season and they still have to play…
….which looks to us like a 2 – 10 finish….best case scenario!
Neil Callaway’s record at UAB is now…
Overall – 15 – 39
C-USA – 11 – 24
Where is the Great Dandy Don Meredith when you need him?
2. Frank Spaziani, Boston College – Frank Spaziani and the BC Eagles had a great Week 7 in the 2011 college football season……
Oh, that’s right…BC had an off-week but at least it wasn’t another loss so Frank Spaziani has that going for him!
The BC Eagles are 1 – 5 on the 2011 season and their only win is over I-AA UMass and BC has left…
at Virginia Tech
at Notre Dame
Uh – Oh! At a pissed off Virginia Tech won’t be easy. Next is Randy Edsall that doesn’t want his rear-end on the Hot Seat. FSU comes to Boston next and the Seminoles can’t afford to lose another game. Tom O’Brien and his NC State team are next and O’Brien loves to beat BC. Then there is a trip to play at Notre Dame. Then a trip to play at Miami to finish the season and a trip to Miami November is always fun but this trip will not end up on South Beach.
Hell, Boston College might not win another game in 2011.
Can Frank Spaziani and BC go 1 – 11 in 2011 and Spaziani still keep his job?
Oh, that’s right Gene DeFilippo is the AD at Boston College where you get fired for interviewing for better jobs but you can fail completely at your job on the field of play and stay employed!
That would be known in the REAL World as Bizarro-Land!
Hell, if all bosses in America were like DeFilippo then none of us would try to better ourselves and strive for better jobs and we would fail miserably at our current ones and stay employed!
If that’s America….then the American Republic is finished!
3. Jeff Tedford, California – After the loss to USC last Thursday night we talked to a lot of Cal alumni that were more than happy….or rather unhappily…..to express their frustration about the Cal football program which has a record over the past 20 games of…
Overall: 8 – 12
Pac- 10/12: 3 – 10
Wow, that is worse than we thought and 2 of those 8 wins are over I-AA schools (UC David and Presbyterian)!
Of course….this is Cal athletics which at times can be Bizarro-Land itself (see how long it took to toss those tree protesters to the curb before they could get the chainsaws out and cut those trees down and get the Memorial stadium refurbish going….years it took!) and Jeff Tedford might just be able to Lose, Lose, Lose games until his Daddy takes his T-Bird away…BUT…now at 3 – 3 on the season the Cal Bears have left….
at Arizona State
..and we would recommend that Cal beat Utah this Saturday because a loss to Utah at home (well, AT&T Park if you can call that home) would be Very Bad with a trip to play UCLA at the Rose Bowl up next with its own coach (Neuheisel) being on the Hot Seat which means the game against the Utah Utes may be the biggest game of Jeff Tedford’s coaching career.
4. Houston Nutt, Ole Miss – Overheard in The Grove after the Alabama – Mississippi game on Saturday:
“I have seen Ole Miss teams get beat before but I have never seen an Ole Miss team score the first TD and then get blitzed 52 – 0! Hell, Bear Bryant’s Alabama teams never beat us that bad! Please, someone get me a double-martini and quick…..and I would like four olives with this one! Someone call my wife and tell her I want be home until late because I am too distraught over this loss to Bama. Darlin’ do you have any of those big shrimps because I just love big shrimps after a bad loss and we sure the Hell go our asses beat today!”
Now at 2 – 4 on the season and 0 – 3 in SEC play and with the Arkansas Razorbacks coming to town and the Hog fans looking for a big beatdown of Houston Nutt in Oxford which they dream might end Nutt’s coaching career the only question now seems to be….
“Does anyone have $6 million dollars to buyout Houston Nutt’s contract if he is fired after the stupid contract that Ole Miss signed with their head football coach?”
(Yes, ANY football coach that has a $6 million dollar buyout or larger means the school has signed a stupid contract and what these schools really need is someone working for them that can actually subtract 2 from 3 because they are getting rolled by these coaches and their agents like Little Debbie Swiss Roll boy up there in Memphis who plays these ADs like 2-dollar violins. Hey, maybe there’s a business for Coaches Hot Seat to get into….adviser and negotiator for schools with their head coaches and coaches’ agents! For Damn sure we would have not signed a contract with Houston Nutt that would have given him a $6 million dollar buyout because we would not have signed a contract like that for even Nick Saban. Hell, only coaches that are afraid they are going to lose and get their rear-ends fired want and need big buyouts….but then some of these ADs and schools are pretty easy to roll now!)
Getting back to Houston Nutt and for Ole Miss fans right now there ain’t nowhere else to go the Rebels are 2 – 4 on the season and 0 – 3 in SEC play and they have left…
at Mississippi State
Now let’s see here..
Bobby Petrino and the Hogs would love to lay a beating on Houston Nutt
Gene Chizik would throw-up if he lost to Houston Nutt
Joker Phillips really does not want to and cannot afford to lose to Houston Nutt
Sonny Dykes would love to beat Houston Nutt
Les Miles is laughing at the thought of losing to Houston Nutt
Dan Mullen REALLY does not want to lose to Houston Nutt in what is probably Nutt’s last game at Ole Miss….assuming of course the three-martini crowd in The Grove can come up with $6 million dollars and send Nutt into TV-Land!
As the Great William Faulkner once said….
“Given a choice between grief and nothing, I’d choose grief.”
Ole Miss fans…..
You got your GRIEF….and you almost have NOTHING….AGAIN!
5. Paul Wulff, Washington State – For the first time in years due to business commitments no one here at Coaches Hot Seat was at a Stanford football game this past Saturday but we all did get to watch the game on TV and the Cardinal still looks like a team to us that is not playing with focus and direction at the start of games which is usually due to either a lack of concentration or being too-hyped up but The Cardinal did get the win 44 – 14 over Paul Wulff’s Washington State team which is the real issue here…
Washington State is playing better in 2011 than they did during Wulff’s first three seasons at WSU and they also seem to be more physical which is a sure sign of a team that wants to play football (Look at the worst teams in college football and one will find they do not play physical football).
Still, Paul Wulff’s record at Washington State is now…
Overall: 8 – 35
Pac-10/12: 3 – 27
….and Wulff needs to start getting some more wins and the Cougs have left this season….
…and if they play the way they played against Stanford in the first half they have a least a 50 – 50 shot of winning 5 of those games (no chance to beat Oregon in Eugene) but talking about the Cougs winning 5 more games in 2011 and the Cougs doing it are two different things. It all starts Saturday by beating a woeful Oregon State team at home in Pullman which is a game that neither coach, Wulff or Riley, can stand to lose.
6. Rick Neuheisel, UCLA – UCLA AD Dan Guerrero last week told the truth about the status of Rick Neuheisel (and all UCLA coaches for that matter) which may strike some as odd but it is the truth…(USA Today):
“In intercollegiate athletics, we’re pretty much all day-to-day,” Guerrero said on 710 ESPN in Los Angeles. That’s the reality of our situation.”
..and Rick Neuheisel knows today what he needs to do just like he knew what he had to do when he was hired at UCLA:
WIN Football Games (and graduate your players at the same time which is a given at UCLA)
In his 4 th season on he job at UCLA Rick Neuheisel is…
Overall: 18 – 25
Pac-10/12: 10 – 20
..and the above record is just not acceptable at UCLA or any big-time school which the University of California at Los Angeles most certainly is and should be when it comes to its football program which plays in one of the largest cities in the nation that has some of the top high school football talent in the country that is not more than a 2 hour drive from Westwood.
Now at 3 – 3 on the season what Rick Neuheisel needs to do is very simple….he needs to find 4 wins out of the next 6 games and he probably will have to beat USC to meet that mark. The Bruins have left:
UCLA right now has more talent than Arizona, Utah and Colorado and they have California and USC at home so there really is no excuse for Neuheisel and the Bruins to NOT win at least 3 of their last 6 games and then they probably will need to find a way to beat Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans in the LA Coliseum and we aren’t talking about Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans anymore!
7. Bob Toledo, Tulane – Now in his 5 th season at Tulane Bob Toledo is…
Overall: 15 – 40
C-USA: 8 – 27
..and that is not the kind of win/loss record that Tulane football needs right now coming off of Katrina hurricane because Tulane needs wins and needs wins in bunches to get some interest in the Green Wave football program again and that means either Bob Toledo starts winning or Tulane will be looking for a new coach come December.
A lot of people might not think the Tulane football head coaching position as not being a good job but for us here at Coaches Hot Seat Tulane is a very good job because it sits in a big southern city with New Orleans which is in a state with Louisiana with some of the best high school football talent in the country and the right coach that can embrace the craziness that is New Orleans, Bourbon Street and the unique culture of the city could do wonders with Tulane football which is the main reason we never understood the Bob Toledo hire. Bob Toledo is a good coach and he did a decent job at UCLA, but Bob Toledo never struck us as a “New Orleans guy” which to us means someone with a big personality, someone that enjoys life and can deal with failure well and someone that can also coach some football as well.
If Tulane football hires the right guy as it did with Tommy Bowden and Mack Brown in the past then it can rise back up in C-USA and in college football but another wrong hire if Toledo gets fired and the Tulane football program will stay stuck in that Mississippi River mud which we can tell you from a boat trip a few of us took from Memphis to New Orleans a few years ago is mud you don’t want to get stuck in!
8. Mike Riley, Oregon State – Is it just us or does Oregon State’s Mike Riley look like he isn’t having much fun this season? Well, when you are 1 – 5 on the season and you were 5 – 7 in 2010 you probably aren’t having much fun but what the Oregon State Beavers need right now is someone to light a fire under their rear-ends and it doesn’t look like Mike Riley has a whole lot of fire in himself right now. Maybe a 3-month tour in Afghanistan for Mike Riley and his football team would get them to realize how easy they have it playing football and going to schools where their butts are safe and sound I the middle of the state of Oregon far from the frontlines of battle. Yes, that MIGHT do it, but then we Americans do take things for granted…don’t we?
Oregon State is now 1- 5 on the season and they have left…
at Washington State
…..and if Mike Riley and the Beavers want to salvage something from the 2011 season they could start Saturday by beating a Washington State team that a “normal” Oregon State team should have a good shot of beating….but why do we think that the Beavers are going to get rolled this Saturday in Pullman? Because the Beavers probably will get rolled this Saturday in Pullman that’s why!
9. Larry Porter, Memphis – After a tough loss to East Carolina, after leading early in the game, Larry Porter’s Memphis team dropped to 1 – 6 on the season and Porter’s record at Memphis in his 2 nd year is:
Overall: 2 – 17
C-USA – 0 – 11
No, that’s not a good record and what Larry Porter badly needs is a win or two to finish the season so that he can go out and sell Memphis football to recruits and the UM fans, boosters and alums so they have some hope as they look to the 2012 football season.
Memphis has left on its schedule:
at Southern Miss
If Memphis plays the way it did in the first half against ECU it can beat Tulane and UAB and give Marshall a game as well….but talking about that and doing it are different things entirely. Yes, beating Tulane in New Orleans would be BIG for Larry Porter’s Memphis football team and that has to be the only focus of the Tigers this week.
10. Mack Brown, Texas – Since the following story by Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com broke in June 2010….
…the Texas Longhorns football record on the football field is…
Overall: 9 – 9
Big 12: 3 – 8
..which includes two straight losses to Oklahoma and Oklahoma State and they still have to go to College Station in November to play Texas A&M which would be two straight losses to the Aggies as well.
For all the talk about conference realignment affecting Texas A&M and Missouri no one has mentioned that since, our opinion, the powers-that-be at the University of Texas leaked the above story to Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com right in the middle of Big 12 media days in the summer of 2010 that the Texas football team has been lost, unfocused and not ready to play football.
Why would the powers-that-be at the University of Texas have leaked the story about six teams (which would have included A&M and A&M was never going to the Pac-10/16) heading West right in the middle of the Big 12 media days in the summer of 2010 you ask?
Well, in our opinion and on good authority we might add, we believe that Texas got wind of the Big Ten and Nebraska’s talks about the Huskers moving to the Big Ten and they decided to force Nebraska’s hand which they believed would lead to Nebraska staying in the Big 12 (Big Tex didn’t give much thought or care about Colorado heading West), but Nebraska was wanted by the Big Ten and the Big Tex Bluff has blown-up in the face of Big Tex the last couple of years with not only Colorado and Nebraska leaving the Big 12 but now Texas A&M as well and with Missouri now considering its other conference options…and let’s not forget how Texas football has played since the summer of 2010.
Let’s face FACTS: There isn’t anyone MAN enough in Austin to play in what would have been the Pac-16 because Big Tex likes playing in its own little sandbox but we have some news for Big Tex….
You can’t even beat the teams in your own little sandbox anymore!
Big Tex’s football team is 3 – 8 in its last 11 Big 12 football games and the powers-that-be in Austin that have played their stupid little games for two years have done nothing more than take the focus away from the football field and put it squarely on Big Tex….BUT…in our humble opinion…
Big Tex doesn’t really give a Damn about anything but having the spotlight on Big Tex and if the football team suffers then it doesn’t really matter since one can always go down to the coffee shop and brag about getting one over on someone else or doing some other BS that has nothing to do with the REAL world and don’t forget Big Tex has its BIG Toady running the Big 12 now so things are right with the world!
Big Tex’s football team record since all of these stupid games started is…
Overall: 9 – 9
Big 12: 3 – 8
Yes, these stupid little reindeer games make perfect sense…..
That is if you don’t give a Damn about your football program and in our opinion not only would Big Tex sacrifice the future lives of every Big 12 student-athlete in order to “get one over” on someone else these Idiots would deep-six their own Damn football program to “pull a fast one” on “X” school.
Yes, you are right…these are Very Stupid People in Austin running UT.
Yes, these are very sick people and meanwhile Mack Brown has a football team that doesn’t play any defense and is about as physical as the New York ballet on opening night at Lincoln Center.
Here’s a thought: Maybe Mack Brown and his coaches should fly out to Stanford this week to watch The Cardinal practice to see and hear what football practice should look and sound like.
Oh, but those Candy Ass Texas boys might get a boo-boo if they hit or tackled someone else and we can’t have that now can we because the little Texas Candy Asses have to look good after the game when they meet up with their girlfriends who will tell them will win the “next time.”
Memo to Mack Brown: If you want your team to play football they have to actually practice football!
Of course, looking ahead to this week the Coaches Hot Seat flag-football team could put 50 points up on the Kansas defense right now so no way that Texas loses to Kansas….right?
One thing for sure…NO ONE will see the Texas – Kansas football game this week because it is on the…
Yes, all of this BS the last two-plus years by Big Tex makes perfect sense….
Memo No. 2 to Mack Brown: Don’t lose to Kansas because, Texas Tech, at Missouri, Kansas State, at Texas A&M and at Baylor are up next and two straight losing seasons at Texas wouldn’t be a good thing especially since any common ground squirrel from the plains of Texas could win 7 games a year coaching The Longhorns and still find time to dig his holes each week.