Blog Article

Our Guide to NCAA Spin: It’s Not Confusion, It’s “Engagement”

Jason Lucero on September 12, 2024

To: All NCAA football Athletic Directors, Coaches, and Staff.

From: Missy Helgenberger, NCAA Press Secretary (temp.)

Re: Talking Points!

Dear NCAA College Football coaches, AD’s and staff.

I’m super excited to be coming from you in my new position as temporary assistant press secretary for NCAA College Football!

I hope it works out that I can eventually have a real office with business cards and everything. Until then, the executive board asked me to pass along these talking points as you interact with media in this super-exciting kickoff to our 2024 college football season!

Please stop referring to the SEC as the “Pro League.” We love and respect all our college conferences, even the ones nobody watches or cares about.
Please stop referring to it as the “PAC 2.” There are indeed only two teams in that division, but for the sake of history and tradition, please continue to refer to it as the “PAC 12.” If anyone asks, say that the 12 refers to the twelve days of Christmas, the number of roses in a dozen, or the number of inches in a foot.
Please keep referring to it as the “Big Ten,” even though eighteen teams are in the division. If anyone asks, say the number “10” refers not to the number of teams but to something else, like the number of commandments in the bible or the number of toes we have. Whatever you can decide.
Please stop referring to it as the “transfer portal.” Old people keep thinking it has something to do with Star Trek. From now on, please call it “The airport.” You might say, for example, “Player X has gone to the airport. Who knows? He might land at Ohio State.” Hopefully, they will stop calling.
I know you all are receiving a lot of questions about NIL money. Just tell whoever is asking to mind their own bee’s wax, especially regarding the “consulting fees” the NCAA board requires from each player and team. By the way, include the correct routing number on each payment. Swiss banks are super fussy.
Please stop talking about possible realignment for next season. Everybody loves the new system. We asked about seven people in the office, and they all pretty much agreed that we nailed it, especially with the West Coast teams playing on the East Coast and how it’s a giant mess because nobody knows who plays where anymore. It’s not “confusion,” it’s “engagement.” It’s like when you can’t remember where you parked your car in a parking lot. Sure you have to spend time looking, but in the end you’re so happy when you find it!
We are not merging with the NFL! It’s not going to be like baseball, where each major league team has two or three farm teams that develop young players and track their progress as they move up and down through the system, although, frankly, that would make a lot of sense.
The NCAA still cares about the health and safety of the student-athlete as long as we’re still seeing the NIL kickback payments. That’s what the money is for: to maintain our deep concern.
The NCAA is not a geriatric governance agency out of touch with the modern media environment. It’s a vibrant community of sport-minded educators who have engaged excellent legal representation and are more than willing to sue any troublemakers into oblivion.
Please police your mascots! The NCAA is not responsible for off-campus behavior, especially regarding auto theft. We’re looking at you, Notre Dame!

We’re super happy to hear any feedback you might have! Please send it via traditional mail to any post office box in the United States. We don’t care which one.

Let’s tailgate!

Sincerely,

Missy Helgenberger

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Blog Article

2024 ACC Pre-Season Meeting of the Mascots

Jason Lucero on September 5, 2024

Meeting Minutes:

Duke Blue Devil:

As this year’s chair, I call the meeting to order. The first order of business is to welcome the latest members to the conference, Cal, Stanford, and Southern Methodist University. Then we’ll get onto pending litigation. Put the shillelagh down, Leprechaun. You know our policy on weapons in the committee room.

Notre Dame Leprechaun:

I was fully clothed at the time of the accident! Any allegation to the contrary is slander! It was not a full-size bus. That’s a gross exaggeration. It was a minibus, and I’ll have no witty remarks regarding my stature!

Duke Blue Devil:

Duly noted Leprechaun. The chair recognizes The Demon Deacon of Wake Forest.

Demon Deacon of Wake Forest:

I object to the presence of Cal and Stanford in our conference. Do I have to say it? They’re from the West! The home of sin and perdition. This is the Atlantic Coast Conference. Having Pacific Coast teams among us is wrong! It’s contrary to nature! It’s Blaspheme, that’s what it is!

Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech:

Give it a rest, deacon. You went 4 and 8 last year. Times are changing.

Duke Blue Devil:

The chair recognizes the Clemson Tiger. Thank you for raising your paw.

Clemson Tiger:

Yeah, man. Oski the Bear. I get that—a bear. I’m a tiger, and he’s a bear. But what the hell is going on with Stanford? A tree? You come in here as a tree?

Stanford Tree:

I have googly eyes! I’m both relatable and ironic!

Clemson Tiger:

No man. That’s abstract. You got to be something real. Like a tiger, for example. People understand tigers.

Ramblin’ Reck of Georgia Tech

I’m with Syracuse. Nobody likes concepts. I’m a wreck, a wrecked car. It’s a thing. People like wrecked cars!

Notre Dame Leprechaun

I rest my fecking case.

Duke Blue Devil

Language Leprechaun!

Otto the Orange of Syracuse:

I protest that reasoning! I’m orange! I’m not an orange. I’m not the orange. I’m just orange. I’m a concept. A tree is a concept too! You all need to open your minds!

Duke Blue Devil

6-7 last year Syracuse. You might consider running the ball. The chair recognizes Mrs. Wuf, from North Carolina State.

Mrs. Wuf of NC State

I rise to speak to the issue of academic excellence. Our friends from the west come with august records of academic achievement. Some among us have allowed our standards to lapse.

Osceola and Renegade – Florida State

Here we go again, everyone hating on Florida.

Sebastian the Ibis – University of Miami

Excellence has a price. Sometimes the students have to pay it. That’s all I’m saying.

Duke Blue Devil

Put out the cigar Sebastian. There is no smoking in the committee room! The chair recognizes the Wahoo.

The Wahoo – University of Virginia

Let’s get down to the real issue here, competitiveness. I’m talking TV ratings and NIL. Cash in hand! Daddy needs a new stadium. Who is to say these new teams can run with the ACC?

Duke Blue Devil

Okay. Uh, for Southern Methodist University we have Peruna the Mustang. Can you speak to that question?

Peruna of SMU

Thank you Blue Devil. It’s a pleasure to be here. We went 9-0 last year, and won our division. We deserve to play in the ACC.

The Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech

You were in the AAC! You beat Tulsa, Temple, and the University of East Carolina. If your schedule was any lighter you’d be playing high school teams!

Duke Blue Devil

Settle down everyone! Settle down! Oskie? Any comment?

Oski the Bear – Cal

We’re rebuilding. We have a great team this year and we’re looking forward to returning to the Rose Bowl!

The Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech

The last time you were in the Rose Bowl was 1959. When are you going to be done rebuilding, the year 3000?

Ms. Wuf – North Carolina State.

I find Oski’s cardigan very attractive.

Duke Blue Devil

Ms. Wuf, where is Mr. Wuf today?

Ms. Wuf

We’re exploring our sexuality through an open relationship. He’s up chasing a Husky in Connecticut. Oski? Are you into experimentation?

The Demon Deacon of Wake Forest

Abomination! We cannot have inter-conference, inter-species, intermingling! I object! I object! I object!

Duke Blue Devil.

4 and 8 last season. Maybe a little less from the pulpit and a little more from your backfield. Stanford?

The Stanford Tree

We have twenty Nobel laurites on our faculty!

The Clemson Tiger

You went 3 and 9, second worst in our division!

The Stanford Tree

Our band is extremely unconventional!

Duke Blue Devil

Settle down everyone, settle down! Well, it’s not like we have a choice in the matter. They’re in the conference now and that’s that. Oskie, we’ll give you the last word.

Oski the Bear – Cal

Thank you, thank you. Well, it’s no secret that we miss the Pac- 10. We miss bus rides up and down the coast, playing the other schools in the West as the sun set over the Pacific. I guess the only comfort we can find is that no matter how stupid it is for us to play in the ACC, how illogical, how ridiculous it is… at least Stanford has to do it too.

Duke Blue Devil

Quiet everyone, quiet! Leprechaun! Are you peeing in the closet?

The Leprechaun of Notre Dame

I had a late breakfast.

Duke Blue Devil

Hey Clemson! Florida, and Florida State. Sit down. The meeting isn’t over. Where do you think you’re going?

The Clemson Tiger

The SEC is having a tailgate. We thought we would stop by and do some networking.

Sebastian the Ibis – University of Miami

This is fun and all, but keep one word in mind going forward: “realignment.”

The Duke Blue Devil

Meeting adjourned!

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