35 College Football Head Coaches That CANNOT LOSE In Week FIVE – Enjoy the GREAT Steely Dan Performing Deacon Blues!


“They got a name for the winners in the world….I want a name when I lose…they call Alabama the Crimson Tide….call me Deacon Blues…Deacon Blues.”

Enjoy the GREAT Steely Dan performing Deacon Blues!


1.  Al Golden, Miami vs. Cincinnati – Below are the win/loss records and winning percentages of the Miami head football coaches before Al Golden starting with Howard Schnellenberger in 1979:

Howard Schnellenberger:  41 – 16  (.719)

Jimmy Johnson:  52 – 9  (.852)

Dennis Erickson:  63 – 9  (.875)

Butch Davis:  51 – 20  (.718)

Larry Coker:  60 – 15  (.800)

Randy Shannon:  28 – 22  (.560)

Al Golden:  31 – 22  (.585)

Clearly…make that Very Damn Clearly….Randy Shannon and Al Golden have not lived up to the expectations….our and the fans of Miami football’s expectations…and either Al Golden in his FIFTH season as the head coach of the Canes will start winning a lot more football games in 2015 or Miami will be looking for another head coach come December.

Clearly…make that Very Damn Clearly the Cincinnati game on Thursday night is a CANNOT LOSE Game for Al Golden and Miami.


2.  Nick Saban, Alabama vs. Georgia – Although it’s our opinion here at Coaches Hot Seat that the end of the Alabama football dynasty will be recorded in history as the moment the “Kick 6” return happened in the 2013 Alabama – Auburn game on the night of November 30, 2013 which ended Nick Saban and Bama’s attempt to win…

3 Straight Bogus BCS National Championships

….but it’s ultimately up to Nick Saban and his Alabama football team to prove us and others wrong on the end of this particular era of winning BIG Alabama football which has seen several great runs by legendary football coaches like the one Saban has put together in Tuscaloosa since 2007.

With the loss to Ole Miss already in the books in 2015 Alabama cannot afford another loss and then expect the Rebels to lose 3 games in the SEC in so Saturday’s game at Georgia is MASSIVE for Alabama football and Nick Saban who with a loss in this spot will find himself coaching out of the National Title hunt at Alabama for the first time during the regular season since….his first year at Alabama in 2007.


English historian Edward Gibbon recorded in his book The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire written some 1400 years after the Roman Empire disappeared from the Earth that the once mighty Roman power fell because quoting from the Wikipedia entry on Gibbon’s book (The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Wikipedia):

“According to Gibbon, the Roman Empire succumbed to barbarian invasions in large part due to the gradual loss of civic virtue among its citizens. They had become weak, outsourcing their duty to defend their empire to barbarian mercenaries, who then became so numerous and ingrained that they were able to take over the Empire. Romans, he believed, had become effeminate, unwilling to live a tougher, “manly” military lifestyle. In addition, Gibbon argued that Christianity created a belief that a better life existed after death, which fostered an indifference to the present among Roman citizens, thus sapping their desire to sacrifice for a larger purpose. He also believed that Christianity’s comparative pacifism tended to hamper the traditional Roman martial spirit. Finally, like other Enlightenment thinkers and British citizens of the age steeped in institutional anti-Catholicism, Gibbon held in contempt the Middle Ages as a priest-ridden, superstitious Dark Age. It was not until his own era, the “Age of Reason,” with its emphasis on rational thought, it was believed, that human history could resume its progress.”

…but the Alabama football dynasty under Nick Saban may have well been felled by two fluke plays from the 2013 college football season….

The miracle tipped-pass that let Auburn beat Georgia

The insane Kick-6 which let Auburn slip past Alabama

Year 476 is the year that Edward Gibbon marks as the year the Roman Empire ended

Year 2013 is the year that the Nick Saban dynasty at Alabama was felled with the 2015 Georgia game just another marker in the decline of the Saban dynasty only this time a loss to Georgia in this spot will neatly bookend the Nick Saban run at Alabama between two precise dates:

September 27, 2008: Alabama whips Georgia in Athens 41 – 30

October 3, 2013: Georgia whips Alabama in Athens by the score of “?”

It was a nice run Nick….but it’s over son and you need to get the Fat Boy in Memphis to find you another mountain to climb because your ass is sliding down the Alabama mountain in a Helluva hurry!


A sidenote to the end of the Nick Saban dynasty at Alabama:  The Kick-6 debacle against Auburn was only made that much worse by bringing Dumbass Lane “Narcissus” Kiffin to Tuscaloosa which was akin to Caesar letting the Barbarians into Rome which of course hastened the end of the Roman Empire!

See history can be mighty Damn entertaining!


3.  Mark Richt, Georgia vs. Alabama – On the other side of the ledger sits Mark Richt and his Georgia Bulldogs who have not won a SEC Conference title since….


….and frankly have been a very mediocre football program in recent years with Mark Richt losing…

4 or More Games

….in 4 of the last 6 seasons with often a key loss coming at the exact wrong time like the…

Complete Cowardly Breakdown of Mark Richt and the Georgia Bulldogs against the Hapless Florida Gators in Jacksonville last season!

Now here come the Mighty Alabama Crimson Tide to Athens presenting Mark Richt with a unique opportunity in American life…

A Third Chance to Right Two Wrongs or rather Two Losses

….to Alabama that still must sting Mark Richt to the core which are the…

2008 Whipping that Alabama put on Georgia in Athens

2012 SEC Conference Championship Game that Georgia should have won…if only…Mark Richt would have had the common sense to take a timeout!

So what will it be for Mark Richt and the Georgia Bulldogs against Alabama in 2015?

Are the Georgia Bulldogs COWARDS with a COWARD as a head coach that don’t have the Courage or the Guts to beat an Alabama team that just got manhandled by an Ole Miss team with less talent than Bama in Tuscaloosa no less?


Is Mark Richt and his Georgia Bulldogs MAN ENOUGH to stand-up like REAL MEN and beat Alabama and end all of us using Mark Richt and his football team as a punchline….

“Hell, if you think the USA Ryder Cup teams are a bunch of chokers….don’t forget Mark Richt and the Georgia Bulldogs who have mastered the art of choking in the last decade!”

We can just see the title of Mark Richt’s biography:

How I Choked Away Several SEC Conference Titles Coaching the Georgia Bulldogs While Making Millions and Millions of Dollars in the Process

Subtitle: “Oh…and I was owned Lock, Stock and Barrel by Nick Saban!”

Our humble suggestion to folks stupid enough to bet on college football:

Take Alabama and the points because clearly…

Mark Richt and Georgia aren’t MAN ENOUGH to beat Alabama!


4.  Ron Caragher, San Jose State vs. Auburn – A lot of people here at Coaches Hot Seat thought that Ron Caragher was going to do some great work at San Jose State and follow-up on the nice coaching job that now Colorado head coach Mike MacIntyre did with the Spartans BUT after a 6 – 6 record his first season Caragher has posted a win/loss record the last two seasons of….

5 – 11

…and although way off the national CFB radar Ron Caragher comes into Auburn game on Saturday on one of the Hottest Seats in the country only behind….you got it…..


5.  Gus Malzahn, Auburn vs. San Jose State – The San Jose State game is just a Very Damn Clear situation for Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn:

Lose to a San Jose State team on your home field in Auburn and Gus Malzahn’s coaching career with the Tigers is effectively over because there will be no recovery short of winning the SEC Western Division in 2015 from a loss to the Spartans that have lost 11 of their last 16 games

Let’s just be honest…if Auburn cannot beat San Jose State on Saturday then they have ONE win left on their schedule….

At Kentucky
At Arkansas
Ole Miss
At Texas A&M

…against Idaho on November 21 which may in the end be ironic because Idaho may just be where Gus Malzahn will be coaching in 2016 because there is…

Not A Chance in Hell

….that Gus Malzahn will be retained as the head coach at Auburn if he opens the 2015 season as a heavy favorite to win the SEC and be in the 4-Team Playoff and ends up with a record of…

3 – 9 Overall

0 – 8 SEC

….which as everyone knows are the exact records that got Gene Chizik’s ass fired after the 2012 season at Auburn!

Good Luck Gus and if you lose to San Jose State you will have no one to blame but yourself!

NCAA Football: Wake Forest at Stanford

6.  David Shaw, Stanford vs. Arizona – We always laugh when people on the outside say there isn’t any pressure to win at Stanford when the TRUTH is…


Stanford University is the toughest pressure cooker on the planet university-wise right now with competition being the order of the day in every corner of The Farm

…which extends right to the Stanford athletic department which places an emphasis on winning…

Pac-12 Championships


National Championships

…something that we note that Stanford football has not done on the Pac-12 Championship side of things since 2013 which in our books is way too Damn long ago! Hell, that was two years ago now if Stanford doesn’t win the Pac-12 Title in 2015 and the last time that Stanford won the National Championship in football was…..

1940 after Stanford beat Nebraska in the Rose Bowl!

…and that is a Freaking Outrage!

Arizona is coming to The Farm on Saturday after getting blasted by UCLA and if the Stanford Cardinal is going to be a player in the Pac-12 Title run this season….and why the Hell wouldn’t they be since we are talking about Stanford….then they need to protect their home field and whip Arizona just like the Bruins did and besides…

David Shaw CANNOT LOSE this game because his ass will be right back on the Hot Seat and who the Hell wants that….

Certainly not us at Coaches Hot Seat

…so play like Men Possessed AGAIN Stanford Boys!


7.  Bret Bielema, Arkansas vs. Tennessee – Let’s just be honest here…

Bret Bielema has done NOTHING at Arkansas in the last 3 seasons

…that any random stumble-bum off the streets of Fayetteville couldn’t have done with the same amount of talent and resources at his disposal and believe it folks when you have these kinds of records on the board…

Overall:  11 – 18

SEC:  2 – 15

….there are many here at Coaches Hot Seat that believe if AD Jeff Long had hired a stumble-bum off the streets of Fayetteville not only would he have posted better records than Bielema the stumble-bum would have been able to find a razor to shave his Damn face before football games something that Bret Bielema was for Damn sure not able to accomplish before the Texas A&M game last Saturday!

In an age full of boring people Shakespeare would have reveled in Bret Bielema and no doubt the bard would have spun up a nice tale about Bielema’s big mouth and how that big mouth got his big ass in a Helluva spot which will be in…

A Helluva Hot Spot

…if Arkansas loses to this stumbling, bumbling Tennessee team in Knoxville on Saturday!

Tennessee is not so much a CANNOT LOSE game for Bret Bielema as it is a game that with a loss will just be another…

Step towards West Texas where Big Mouth will be shoveling shit with….


8.  Butch Jones, Tennessee vs. Arkansas – If you think Bret Bielema is in a Helluva tough spot right now then consider Butch Jones who is the laughingstock of the American Republic right now after the Complete Meltdown of the Vols in the second-half against the Gators last Saturday which included the inability of Jones to do basic math which is especially not a good thing when you are working on a college campus but then now….we are talking about the…

University of Tennessee

…here which somehow granted a diploma to Paul Finebaum which is a marker to us that just about any Random Moron can show up in Knoxville and leave with sheepskin!


Seriously now folks the TRUTH about this Arkansas – Tennessee game for Butch Jones is that…

He Just Flat-Out CANNOT LOSE It

…but let your mind wander for a moment and consider IF…

Butch Jones loses to Arkansas in a situation caused by…Butch Jones…in the fourth quarter!

Clearly…another one of those “situations” against Arkansas and Butch Jones coaching career will effectively be over in Knoxville so our recommendation to Butch Jones on Saturday is to do what we tell our kids to do when they tell us they are going to be nervous playing in a sporting event:

“Play aggressive because when you play aggressive you don’t have time to worry about messing up!”

Play aggressive against Arkansas Butch Jones and go for the kill if you have the chance because the last Damn thing you need is another game coming down to the fourth quarter AND…..

9.  Derek Mason, Vanderbilt vs. Middle Tennessee – Talk about a football coach that CANNOT LOSE on Saturday that is Vandy head coach Derek Mason to INFINITY because after looking like a decent football team in 2015 there is just no room at the inn for Derek Mason’s football team to go to Murfreesboro and lose to a Middle Tennessee team that NO DAMN SEC team has any Damn business losing to!

Good Luck Derek Mason against Middle Tennessee! We will be watching the game from The Farm and pulling for you hoping you can finally get your ass off the Hot Seat!


10.  Randy Edsall, Maryland vs. Michigan – Randy Edsall has got himself and his Maryland football team in a Helluva spot now opening the season with a record of 2 – 2 with these games still to be played:

At Ohio State
Penn State
At Iowa
At Michigan State
At Rutgers

Damn….Maryland will be LUCKY to win 6 games in 2015 which means it looks like Randy Edsall’s ass will be on FIRE the rest of the season!


11.  Mark Helfrich, Oregon vs. Colorado – We talked to a long-time Oregon alum friend of ours that lives in the Portland area to get the inside scoop on the state of Oregon Ducks football right now and what he said even surprised us here at Coaches Hot Seat and we aren’t surprised very often anymore but we sure the Hell were surprised when we heard this:

Coaches Hot Seat: “So what’s up with Oregon football?”

Long-Time Oregon Alum-Friend: “I will tell you what’s up. If Oregon implodes or even struggles to get to a bowl game this season Mark Helfrich is done and the entire Oregon coaching staff is done also. There is a feeling that things have gotten stale in Eugene and that there are way too many people both in the football operation and athletic department that have been around too long and gotten too Damn lazy and it may just be time for department wide cleaning to get things right again with Ducks football.”

Coaches Hot Seat: “Damn!”

Long-Time Oregon Alum Friend: “That Utah game was a wake-up call for a lot of people that I have not seen this mad since 2004 when the Ducks went 5 – 6 and I will be Damned if we are going back to those days of losing to Oregon State and Washington so that a few people can sit on their asses in Eugene and do next to nothing while making hundreds of thousands of Dollars a year!”

Memo to Oregon head coach Mark Helfrich: Don’t lose to Colorado Mark….PERIOD.

So maybe the Nike SHOUT video was the Peak of Oregon Ducks football!


12.  Steve Spurrier, South Carolina vs. Missouri – Now at 2 – 2 on the season take a look at the rest of South Carolina’s schedule in 2015 and you tell us how many wins that Steve Spurrier and his football team gets in 2015:

At Missouri
At Texas A&M
At Tennessee
The Citadel

Geez…South Carolina could end up with a record of…

4 – 8

…easy in 2015 and anyone that thinks Steve Spurrier can return to coach South Carolina in 2016 after posting a record of 4 – 8 in 2015 is either…

Out of Their Freaking Mind OR A Communist

….and last time we checked there weren’t a Helluva lot of Communists running around the Great State of South Carolina!

YES….Missouri is a CANNOT LOSE game for Steve Spurrier as are ALL of the games left on the South Carolina schedule!

Have fun Ole’ Ball Coach!

13.  Mike Riley, Nebraska vs. Illinois – We will be honest here…there were many times in the last few years when Mike Riley should have been on the Hot Seat as the head coach at Oregon State and we collectively voted to keep Riley off the Hot Seat because Mike is such a nice guy and he played college football for one of our favorite coaches in Paul “Bear” Bryant at Alabama. With that in mind we do hope that Nebraska beats Illinois on Saturday so we can take Mike Riley’s ugly mug off the frontpage of the Coaches Hot Seat website and off the Hot Seat BUT if Nebraska loses to Illinois when the Huskers have No Damn Reason to be losing to his average Illini team…

Then Mike Riley’s ass will only get hotter!

Coach ‘em up Mike Riley!


14.  Willie Taggart, South Florida vs. Memphis – This one is very simple for us here at Coaches Hot Seat:

Get Off Your Ass and get Your South Florida football team off their asses Willie Taggart and beat Memphis on Saturday!

15.  George O’Leary, UCF vs. Tulane – Geez…this one is very simple also…

If UCF loses to Tulane after already losing to FIU and Furman

…..someone should fire George O’Leary at the airport in New Orleans forget about waiting to fire him at the airport in Orlando!

16.  Curtis Johnson, Tulane vs. UCF – It’s time Curtis Johnson to show us what he and his Tulane football team has going for it starting with BEATING the UCF Knights in New Orleans on Saturday especially if you want to get your ass of the Hot Seat!

UCF is Pitiful and there is No Damn Reason why Tulane shouldn’t whip UCF’s ass!


17.  Frank Beamer, Virginia Tech vs. Pitt – We just checked and Frank Beamer has not had a losing season at Virginia Tech since 1992 BUT if the Hokies keep playing the way they have played so far in 2015 they might just find themselves at home during bowl season which more than likely would be the end of Frank Beamer in Blacksburg….because MEDIOCRITY cannot be tolerated in Blacksburg….right?

Here’s what Virginia Tech has left to play this season with a record of 2 – 2 right now:

NC State
At Miami
At Boston College
At Georgia Tech
North Carolina
At Virginia

Damn….this Pitt game is a CANNOT LOSE Game for Damn sure!

18.  Paul Rhoads, Iowa State vs. Kansas – In a season when Paul Rhoads and Iowa State are going to have a hard time finding many wins at all the Cyclones clearly CANNOT LOSE to Pitiful Kansas team on Saturday at home which no doubt with a loss would end Paul Rhoads already slim chance of returning to coach Iowa State in 2016.

With a game at Texas Tech on deck…you Better Damn Beat Kansas Paul Rhoads!

Bob Stoops

19.  Bob Stoops, Oklahoma vs. West Virginia – After beating basically NOTHING in 2015 with wins over Akron, Tennessee and Tulsa Bob Stoops is crowing around Norman like he has won another National Championship to which we say….

Good for Bob to have something to crow about after the last few seasons of MEDIOCRITY

…..but now can Crazy Boy Dana Holgorsen bring his West Virginia team to Norman and shut-up Bob Stoops for the duration of the 2015 season?

Hell..what if Oklahoma got whipped by West Virginia and Texas got whipped by TCU heading into the Red River Shootout in Dallas which no doubt would leave both Bob Stoops and Charlie Strong rolling into Big D on donkeys and empty saddle bags as our Texas buddies like to say?

You might be able to find the Texas – Oklahoma game on ESPN3 if that happened!


20.  Charlie Strong, Texas vs. TCU – Texas is now 1 – 3 on the season and they play TCU on Saturday with the game against Oklahoma in Dallas on deck…

Do you think TCU is a CANNOT LOSE Game for Charlie Strong?

Hell…if Texas loses to TCU….and then Oklahoma…do you think that game against Kansas State in Austin on October 24 would be BIG?

Last season TCU beat Texas 48 – 10 in Austin which is a good marker to see where the Texas football program stands against TCU a year later so we are guessing anything better than a 38 point loss against TCU will be a “win” for Texas and their fans…right? RIGHT!

21.  Darrell Hazell, Purdue vs. Michigan State – If you can’t beat Bowling Green at home there is little Damn chance you can beat Michigan State on the road so this would be one of those….

CANNOT LOSE Games for Purdue head coach Darrell Hazell

…that is in reality…

A CANNOT LOSE too Damn bad for Purdue head coach Darrell Hazell!


22.  Kirk Ferentz, Iowa vs. Wisconsin – Kirk Ferentz has Iowa off to a 4 – 0 start in 2015 against four pretty pedestrian teams in Illinois State, Iowa State, Pitt and North Texas and the question is now can the Hawkeyes keep the winning going in a game at Wisconsin on Saturday?

Our gut tell us NO but then this Wisconsin team is a loss to Iowa away from putting their head coach Paul Chryst on the Hot Seat so maybe the Hawkeyes can win this CANNOT LOSE Game in Madison!

23.  Bobby Petrino, Louisville vs. NC State – Talk about a potential disaster ahead….take a look at Louisville’s remaining games now sitting at 1 – 3 on the season:

At NC State
At Florida State
Boston College
At Wake Forest
At Pitt
At Kentucky

Geez….if Louisville drops to 1 – 4 with a loss to NC State we don’t see any way in Hell that the Cardinals wins 6 games in 2015 barring a….MIRACLE….and is anyone else thinking that Bobby Petrino is not first person in line to be getting MIRACLES handed to him on this Earth?

24.  Ron Turner, FIU vs. UMass – An interesting question being bantered around here at Coaches Hot Seat:

Can Ron Turner post three straight losing seasons in three years on the job at Florida International and keep his job?

Most of us say NOT….but a few people here think that it doesn’t matter how many wins Ron Turner posts because football just isn’t that Damn important at FIU!

Either way….FIU plays at UMass on Saturday in what would be a CANNOT LOSE Game if we were the AD at FIU!

25.  Craig Bohl, Wyoming vs. Appalachian State – Geez….we really hope that Craig Bohl and his Wyoming football team can get a win after traveling across most of the country to play Appalachian State on Saturday but we aren’t holding our breath….although beating Appalachian State on the road would be good spot for Craig Bohl to get things rolling with the Cowboys!

Good Luck Craig Bohl!

26.  Trent Miles, Georgia State vs. Liberty – Talk about another CANNOT LOSE Game there is No Damn Way that Trent Miles and Georgia State can lose to Liberty at home although Liberty we have heard is a pretty decent football team under head coach Turner Gill!

27.  Chuck Martin, Miami (OH) vs. Kent State – It’s time for Chuck Martin to start winning some football games at Miami (OH) and beating a Kent State team with a head coach on the Hot Seat is a good place to start in this CANNOT LOSE Game!

28.  Paul Haynes, Kent State vs. Miami (OH) – It’s time for Paul Haynes to start winning some football games at Kent State and beating a Miami (OH) team with a head coach on the Hot Seat is a good place to start in this CANNOT LOSE Game!

29.  Paul Petrino, Idaho vs. Arkansas State – We are now getting to the point with Paul Petrino at Idaho where games aren’t so much CANNOT LOSE as they are…

Wouldn’t It Be Great If Idaho Won A Football Game

….not that we give the Vandals any chance at all to travel down to Arkansas State and win this football game.

30.  Todd Berry, La. Monroe, Georgia Southern – With losses to Georgia and Alabama in 2015 the one thing that Todd Berry and his football team needs is some wins starting with a win over a very tough Georgia Southern team that is a CANNOT LOSE Game for Berry especially with a game at Tulsa on deck.

31.  Dan McCarney, North Texas vs. Southern Miss – Since Dan McCarney was at Iowa State we have always pulled for Dan McCarney’s football teams and we will be pulling for McCarney to get a win on Saturday at Southern Miss against an improving Golden Eagles football team. With Portland State up next a win against USM and North Texas could get two straight wins before a tough game against Western Kentucky on October 15.


32.  Todd Monken, Southern Miss. vs. North Texas – To our eyes Southern Miss football is poised to turn a corner and become a force again in Conference USA…BUT…this is a spot where Todd Monken and his football team CANNOT LOSE to a struggling North Texas team which would be nothing less than a setback for….

Todd Monken and Southern Miss

….and be nothing short of a Complete Freaking Disaster!

Don’t lose this CANNOT LOSE Game Todd Monken which with a win would get your ass off the Hot Seat!

33.  Doug Martin, New Mexico State vs. New Mexico – Doug Martin and his New Mexico State Aggies need a win in the worst way and there is nothing sweeter than beating your cross-state rival especially when your cross-state rival are those Arrogant Asses from the Big City in the New Mexico Lobos!

We aren’t holding our breath on NMSU winning this one though!

34.  Bob Davie, New Mexico vs. New Mexico State – Talk about a CANNOT LOSE Game after beating Wyoming in Week 4 the one Damn thing that Bob Davie and his New Mexico football team CANNOT do this week is lose to New Mexico State which would put Davie and the Lobos in a Helluva spot with a game at Nevada in Week 6.

35.  Norm Chow, Hawaii vs. Boise State – Not that we think Norm Chow and his Hawaii Warriors have any Damn chance to beat Boise State in Boise on Saturday but it would be GREAT if they did!

Coach ‘Em Up Norm!

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