Meeting Minutes:
Duke Blue Devil:
As this year’s chair, I call the meeting to order. The first order of business is to welcome the latest members to the conference, Cal, Stanford, and Southern Methodist University. Then we’ll get onto pending litigation. Put the shillelagh down, Leprechaun. You know our policy on weapons in the committee room.
Notre Dame Leprechaun:
I was fully clothed at the time of the accident! Any allegation to the contrary is slander! It was not a full-size bus. That’s a gross exaggeration. It was a minibus, and I’ll have no witty remarks regarding my stature!
Duke Blue Devil:
Duly noted Leprechaun. The chair recognizes The Demon Deacon of Wake Forest.
Demon Deacon of Wake Forest:
I object to the presence of Cal and Stanford in our conference. Do I have to say it? They’re from the West! The home of sin and perdition. This is the Atlantic Coast Conference. Having Pacific Coast teams among us is wrong! It’s contrary to nature! It’s Blaspheme, that’s what it is!
Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech:
Give it a rest, deacon. You went 4 and 8 last year. Times are changing.
Duke Blue Devil:
The chair recognizes the Clemson Tiger. Thank you for raising your paw.
Clemson Tiger:
Yeah, man. Oski the Bear. I get that—a bear. I’m a tiger, and he’s a bear. But what the hell is going on with Stanford? A tree? You come in here as a tree?
Stanford Tree:
I have googly eyes! I’m both relatable and ironic!
Clemson Tiger:
No man. That’s abstract. You got to be something real. Like a tiger, for example. People understand tigers.
Ramblin’ Reck of Georgia Tech
I’m with Syracuse. Nobody likes concepts. I’m a wreck, a wrecked car. It’s a thing. People like wrecked cars!
Notre Dame Leprechaun
I rest my fecking case.
Duke Blue Devil
Language Leprechaun!
Otto the Orange of Syracuse:
I protest that reasoning! I’m orange! I’m not an orange. I’m not the orange. I’m just orange. I’m a concept. A tree is a concept too! You all need to open your minds!
Duke Blue Devil
6-7 last year Syracuse. You might consider running the ball. The chair recognizes Mrs. Wuf, from North Carolina State.
Mrs. Wuf of NC State
I rise to speak to the issue of academic excellence. Our friends from the west come with august records of academic achievement. Some among us have allowed our standards to lapse.
Osceola and Renegade – Florida State
Here we go again, everyone hating on Florida.
Sebastian the Ibis – University of Miami
Excellence has a price. Sometimes the students have to pay it. That’s all I’m saying.
Duke Blue Devil
Put out the cigar Sebastian. There is no smoking in the committee room! The chair recognizes the Wahoo.
The Wahoo – University of Virginia
Let’s get down to the real issue here, competitiveness. I’m talking TV ratings and NIL. Cash in hand! Daddy needs a new stadium. Who is to say these new teams can run with the ACC?
Duke Blue Devil
Okay. Uh, for Southern Methodist University we have Peruna the Mustang. Can you speak to that question?
Peruna of SMU
Thank you Blue Devil. It’s a pleasure to be here. We went 9-0 last year, and won our division. We deserve to play in the ACC.
The Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech
You were in the AAC! You beat Tulsa, Temple, and the University of East Carolina. If your schedule was any lighter you’d be playing high school teams!
Duke Blue Devil
Settle down everyone! Settle down! Oskie? Any comment?
Oski the Bear – Cal
We’re rebuilding. We have a great team this year and we’re looking forward to returning to the Rose Bowl!
The Hokie Bird of Virginia Tech
The last time you were in the Rose Bowl was 1959. When are you going to be done rebuilding, the year 3000?
Ms. Wuf – North Carolina State.
I find Oski’s cardigan very attractive.
Duke Blue Devil
Ms. Wuf, where is Mr. Wuf today?
Ms. Wuf
We’re exploring our sexuality through an open relationship. He’s up chasing a Husky in Connecticut. Oski? Are you into experimentation?
The Demon Deacon of Wake Forest
Abomination! We cannot have inter-conference, inter-species, intermingling! I object! I object! I object!
Duke Blue Devil.
4 and 8 last season. Maybe a little less from the pulpit and a little more from your backfield. Stanford?
The Stanford Tree
We have twenty Nobel laurites on our faculty!
The Clemson Tiger
You went 3 and 9, second worst in our division!
The Stanford Tree
Our band is extremely unconventional!
Duke Blue Devil
Settle down everyone, settle down! Well, it’s not like we have a choice in the matter. They’re in the conference now and that’s that. Oskie, we’ll give you the last word.
Oski the Bear – Cal
Thank you, thank you. Well, it’s no secret that we miss the Pac- 10. We miss bus rides up and down the coast, playing the other schools in the West as the sun set over the Pacific. I guess the only comfort we can find is that no matter how stupid it is for us to play in the ACC, how illogical, how ridiculous it is… at least Stanford has to do it too.
Duke Blue Devil
Quiet everyone, quiet! Leprechaun! Are you peeing in the closet?
The Leprechaun of Notre Dame
I had a late breakfast.
Duke Blue Devil
Hey Clemson! Florida, and Florida State. Sit down. The meeting isn’t over. Where do you think you’re going?
The Clemson Tiger
The SEC is having a tailgate. We thought we would stop by and do some networking.
Sebastian the Ibis – University of Miami
This is fun and all, but keep one word in mind going forward: “realignment.”
The Duke Blue Devil
Meeting adjourned!
