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Jason Lucero - Field Notes

Our Guide to NCAA Spin: It’s Not Confusion, It’s “Engagement”

Jason Lucero on September 12, 2024

To:  All NCAA football Athletic Directors, Coaches, and Staff.

From: Missy Helgenberger, NCAA Press Secretary (temp.)

Re:  Talking Points!

Dear NCAA College Football coaches, AD’s and staff. 

I’m super excited to be coming from you in my new position as temporary assistant press secretary for NCAA College Football!

 I hope it works out that I can eventually have a real office with business cards and everything. Until then, the executive board asked me to pass along these talking points as you interact with media in this super-exciting kickoff to our 2024 college football season!

  1. Please stop referring to the SEC as the “Pro League.” We love and respect all our college conferences, even the ones nobody watches or cares about.
  2. Please stop referring to it as the “PAC 2.” There are indeed only two teams in that division, but for the sake of history and tradition, please continue to refer to it as the “PAC 12.” If anyone asks, say that the 12 refers to the twelve days of Christmas, the number of roses in a dozen, or the number of inches in a foot.
  3. Please keep referring to it as the “Big Ten,” even though eighteen teams are in the division. If anyone asks, say the number “10” refers not to the number of teams but to something else, like the number of commandments in the bible or the number of toes we have. Whatever you can decide.
  4. Please stop referring to it as the “transfer portal.” Old people keep thinking it has something to do with Star Trek.  From now on, please call it “The airport.” You might say, for example, “Player X has gone to the airport. Who knows? He might land at Ohio State.” Hopefully, they will stop calling. 
  5. I know you all are receiving a lot of questions about NIL money.  Just tell whoever is asking to mind their own bee’s wax, especially regarding the “consulting fees” the NCAA board requires from each player and team. By the way, include the correct routing number on each payment. Swiss banks are super fussy.
  6. Please stop talking about possible realignment for next season. Everybody loves the new system. We asked about seven people in the office, and they all pretty much agreed that we nailed it, especially with the West Coast teams playing on the East Coast and how it’s a giant mess because nobody knows who plays where anymore. It’s not “confusion,” it’s “engagement.” It’s like when you can’t remember where you parked your car in a parking lot. Sure you have to spend time looking, but in the end you’re so happy when you find it!
  7. We are not merging with the NFL! It’s not going to be like baseball, where each major league team has two or three farm teams that develop young players and track their progress as they move up and down through the system, although, frankly, that would make a lot of sense.
  8. The NCAA still cares about the health and safety of the student-athlete as long as we’re still seeing the NIL kickback payments. That’s what the money is for: to maintain our deep concern.
  9. The NCAA is not a geriatric governance agency out of touch with the modern media environment. It’s a vibrant community of sport-minded educators who have engaged excellent legal representation and are more than willing to sue any troublemakers into oblivion.
  10. Please police your mascots! The NCAA is not responsible for off-campus behavior, especially regarding auto theft. We’re looking at you, Notre Dame!

We’re super happy to hear any feedback you might have! Please send it via traditional mail to any post office box in the United States. We don’t care which one.

Let’s tailgate!

Sincerely,

Missy Helgenberger

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